I am sure people who have given birth will tell me I do not know a thing about pain or discomfort. I will tell them that an IUD has certainly made me desire to never have children; I realize any discomfort I've had will not compare. I do not want to experience anything like that intensified 100 fold.
I write and look down to my lap, my youngest cat, little Figaro, is sleeping soundly. One paw on my leg as tho he were gently holding me in place or wrapping an arm around my sleeping body. (If I were sleeping) it is a precious sight, but one that will soon alter due to dishes needing to be done and jammies needing to be donned.
I do feel a bit vulnerable after the whole process, and still feel somewhat like I'm having aftershocks over the ordeal. I hadn't had much of an appetite all day, and much rather would've drank coffee than consumed any foodstuff. That isn't really the best when one wants to take medicine tho; I did force a sandwich down.
Later in the evening my wonderful neighbor provided me a heaping plate full of spaghetti. I ate all if it with relish, savoring the sauce and texture of the noodles. It was a welcome relief not to sit and wonder what I would feed myself. A decision made for me; I was happy to accept this offering of kindness and concern. I am not wanting to make choices right now.
All I would like right now is a hug. No words to be spoken, but a kindly arm or two wrapped around me. Let me cry if I need to, but otherwise just provide that warmth and comfort that I feel is so needed, but I'm too proud to ask for it. I made a choice, I knew what would happen; I feel I should be strong. It doesn't take into account some big changes are coming and coming quickly: Moving. Sounds like I'll get started next week. I'm expected to be out by the 1st. Pressure is on.
My beer glass is empty and my contacts are starting to feel tired; I will end the evening with watching a movie and hoping that I can fall asleep and stay asleep comfortably. I do somewhat dread tomorrow and the thought of working a full shift. How many times will I have to pretend that my cervix isn't convulsing in a way that makes me feel flush and want to cry out slightly with pain? Clenched teeth and an internal focus to direct away the feelings.
Sometimes I feel life isn't fair. (It isn't) but why does it have to be so damn hard to go against the nature of being? I do not want to have children, so I must either subject myself to hormones, pain, or some other uncomfortable scenario to achieve the desired results. I'm not confident enough to go completely natural and take my internal temperatures or take note of my inner fluid. I'd be too stressed.
I'm a grown woman who loves sex; condoms are overrated for me at this point in life. I should say that being I have a very stable relationship with a singular partner, I feel like I am allowed to say that.
There are times I dislike and am envious of the male and their ability to not get pregnant. It isn't fair that I have this so-called gift that I do not have an attachment to and would rather bestow upon someone else. I did tell someone that I would be more than happy to donate my eggs to them if need ever arose. Men do not seem to get a full grasp at what a challenge I have before me. If you do not, pretend you do. This is one time I'll be happy with you just saying the right things. Love me and respect me...acknowledge that this is utter crap.
Damn it all I deserve to be held close and told I'm a beautiful woman and how brave I am. Because I was scared shitless and uncertain of how my day would go. My body hates me right now and all I can do is feel like I deserve every cramp I get. My body hates me and how I am fucking with the reproductive abilities it so wants to share. My self loves how I'm allowing myself to have all the rambunctious sex I want without worry or fear of impregnation.
To my body: I love you and I know our relationship right now is on sketchy terms. However, you will reap the rewards of your tolerance and find that having blissful intercourse without fear of losing that freedom will make you happy. You don't have to worry about if your kids will hear you, timing, or any of those things that people with children have. You can have sex in every room of the house and feel like a damn queen of the castle. Enjoy this future that I have suffered to give you; make use of it. Enjoy the lack of stress with worrying over whether or not you will have a period. You will have one and as much as it frustrates you, you will embrace that consistency. Live in the moment and take comfort in knowing that you are doing something good for yourself. Body, let me love you.
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