Day 4 and 5

I continue to feel very positive mentally. It's refreshing to not feel such a flux of emotions, however, my problem lies now with my not feeling much for an appetite. I'm not entirely sure if it's the Advil I'm taking or the fact that the butter knife cramps are kicking my ass.

Things seem to be progressing towards more of a legitimate period. (I think, it seems too early to tell) and I physically feel more strained today than yesterday. It's frustrating for someone who wants to be active; feeling like a slave to her body and the cramps it creates.
I'm a tough cookie; however internal discomfort is something that I'm not amazing at tolerating while faking my normal personality. Frustrating when all the other aspects of you feel pretty good and you are having to "fake" it.

........
My massage was much needed and made me feel a whole heck of a lot better.
I found myself increasingly crampy yesterday and tried to keep the Advil ahead of them.
I will admit that a foot rub and snuggles made me have probably one of the most restful sleeps I've had since Tuesday.
....................

Today (Saturday) I've been busy with gathering more items to donate to the local Depot Outlet; I've been a busy bee with moving totes, packing more things up, and sorting more items, etc. There has been lifting and bending over, and I've thankfully not been pain-filled. I do work a short shift at the Co-Op so I will have more prolonged standing; am going to take my Advil with me and hope for the best.
I've not actually taken any Advil today and have found I seem to have a bit more appetite.

Hopefully the evening will bring forth yet a more positive me without much discomfort.

I haven't actually spotted today, which is impressive.
I'm feeling somewhat antzy due to this is day 3 but I'm not feeling 100% ready to forgo all rationale and have voracious sex. No. It's probably best to wait a few more days.

Day 3

I can say at this point I actually feel a lot better than I did 3 weeks ago, or even two days ago. I feel a bit more what I would call "light" in spirit.
You can Google about anything on IUDs and side effects; Mirena removal stories and the ever-fearsome Mirena Crash. Basically every negative side-effect of the Mirena or post Mirena is documented to strike worry and fear into inquiring minds.

I don't feel as emotional.

I had somewhat of a stressful discussion Wednesday night, but for the first time in a long while I didn't actually cry because I was emotional. I'm not one to admit that crying often times happens; but when I'm particularly emotional or stressed it certainly does. Never to use as leverage; just happens. I didn't.
Not sure if it's because of the Mirena being gone or the fact that I'm still managing myself and at times feeling punky.

I rode my bike to work, by the time I locked up I felt a little uncomfortable.
Work was tedious to me, no amount of Advil could completely make me comfortable. I was disappointed with myself when a couple regular customers noted my difference in personality. Ladies and Gentlemen, they were also men. I kept it short and sweet "It's woman stuff." and one said, "I sympathize."
If I could only explain that it was slightly beyond woman stuff; and my humble hopes that I will not look so damn crippled. I nursed a chocolate bar (and shared) it helped keep me going.

It seems that I may have officially started a period. I can't tell you if it's my normal one (it would be due around this time) or if it's the withdrawal symptoms of not having the Mirena. Either way, cramping seems a little more intensified. Holding myself into a fetal position isn't comfortable and it's how I want to sleep. Not quite warm enough when I lay on my back. I want to hold in coziness, but cannot be cozy when I feel like a butter knife is jabbing me inside.

Dull and achy.

I get a massage today. I can't explain how much I'm looking forward to that.
I get held tonight. I can't tell you how much I'm needing that.

It's funny when women have these mixed feelings/emotions/perceptions over their bodies when they menstruate. I've denied myself that process for almost 5 years; what I did get in terms of periods during those years were often times minimal and non-invasive.
I honestly think my negative feelings associated with it right now are because it seems a bit foreign to me. I've had cramping and such prior, but this is different for the time being. It wears on me mentally and emotionally; exhausts me.
I do not hold hope that I'll have an easy transition, no, I anticipate it'll be interesting with ups and downs. Will it be worth it? I certainly hope so.
Until then, I will sit and drink my coffee in quiet contemplation.

The First 24

The second day of the new IUD hasn't been terrible, but if I am not careful with keeping medicine coming I find myself with cramping that makes me gasp out loud. I found myself at the Co-Op purchasing a small amount of groceries. Holding a 6 pack of beer in one hand, eggs in the other, and looking at small chunks of cheeses. I had to take a sharp intake of breath and hold it; the piercing jab of what felt like the tiniest baby contraction.

I am sure people who have given birth will tell me I do not know a thing about pain or discomfort. I will tell them that an IUD has certainly made me desire to never have children; I realize any discomfort I've had will not compare. I do not want to experience anything like that intensified 100 fold.

I write and look down to my lap, my youngest cat, little Figaro, is sleeping soundly. One paw on my leg as tho he were gently holding me in place or wrapping an arm around my sleeping body. (If I were sleeping) it is a precious sight, but one that will soon alter due to dishes needing to be done and jammies needing to be donned.

I do feel a bit vulnerable after the whole process, and still feel somewhat like I'm having aftershocks over the ordeal. I hadn't had much of an appetite all day, and much rather would've drank coffee than consumed any foodstuff. That isn't really the best when one wants to take medicine tho; I did force a sandwich down.

Later in the evening my wonderful neighbor provided me a heaping plate full of spaghetti. I ate all if it with relish, savoring the sauce and texture of the noodles. It was a welcome relief not to sit and wonder what I would feed myself. A decision made for me; I was happy to accept this offering of kindness and concern. I am not wanting to make choices right now.

All I would like right now is a hug. No words to be spoken, but a kindly arm or two wrapped around me. Let me cry if I need to, but otherwise just provide that warmth and comfort that I feel is so needed, but I'm too proud to ask for it. I made a choice, I knew what would happen; I feel I should be strong. It doesn't take into account some big changes are coming and coming quickly: Moving. Sounds like I'll get started next week. I'm expected to be out by the 1st. Pressure is on.

My beer glass is empty and my contacts are starting to feel tired; I will end the evening with watching a movie and hoping that I can fall asleep and stay asleep comfortably. I do somewhat dread tomorrow and the thought of working a full shift. How many times will I have to pretend that my cervix isn't convulsing in a way that makes me feel flush and want to cry out slightly with pain? Clenched teeth and an internal focus to direct away the feelings.

Sometimes I feel life isn't fair. (It isn't) but why does it have to be so damn hard to go against the nature of being? I do not want to have children, so I must either subject myself to hormones, pain, or some other uncomfortable scenario to achieve the desired results. I'm not confident enough to go completely natural and take my internal temperatures or take note of my inner fluid. I'd be too stressed.
I'm a grown woman who loves sex; condoms are overrated for me at this point in life. I should say that being I have a very stable relationship with a singular partner, I feel like I am allowed to say that.

There are times I dislike and am envious of the male and their ability to not get pregnant. It isn't fair that I have this so-called gift that I do not have an attachment to and would rather bestow upon someone else. I did tell someone that I would be more than happy to donate my eggs to them if need ever arose. Men do not seem to get a full grasp at what a challenge I have before me. If you do not, pretend you do. This is one time I'll be happy with you  just saying the right things. Love me and respect me...acknowledge that this is utter crap.

Damn it all I deserve to be held close and told I'm a beautiful woman and how brave I am. Because I was scared shitless and uncertain of how my day would go. My body hates me right now and all I can do is feel like I deserve every cramp I get. My body hates me and how I am fucking with the reproductive abilities it so wants to share. My self loves how I'm allowing myself to have all the rambunctious sex I want without worry or fear of impregnation.

To my body: I love you and I know our relationship right now is on sketchy terms. However, you will reap the rewards of your tolerance and find that having blissful intercourse without fear of losing that freedom will make you happy. You don't have to worry about if your kids will hear you, timing, or any of those things that people with children have. You can have sex in every room of the house and feel like a damn queen of the castle. Enjoy this future that I have suffered to give you; make use of it. Enjoy the lack of stress with worrying over whether or not you will have a period. You will have one and as much as it frustrates you, you will embrace that consistency. Live in the moment and take comfort in knowing that you are doing something good for yourself. Body, let me love you.

My Not-So Typical Experience

I am not writing this to provide yet another horror story of sorts to the internet. This is a legit experience that ended up not being a typical in and out procedure. I'm not sharing this to freak people out, but unfortunately a non-typical experience can happen to anyone.

My birth control of choice for almost 5 years was the Mirena IUD but due to my seemingly being quite sensitive to any hormone play, have opted to get the Paragard IUD.

For me this is the least bothersome yet fearsome form of birth control I can subject myself to at this point. I was completely not aware of the sensations that would come when one received their first IUD. I was fearful of what I was getting myself into, but wanting to find something that would give me security and protection. 

Having something inserted into your cervix when you have never had a child could potentially be a somewhat traumatizing thing. I know that during and after my having it done, especially the first few days and week, I was very much tormented. I felt like I had violated my body and I have no other way to describe it. The cramping that came with the measuring and insertion of the iud was profound. The dull ache that came from the whole process lasted longer than I wanted. I remember going to work the next day and almost being in tears multiple times that day due to the cramps that occured.

All of this weighed on my mind as I found myself not responding well to the hormonal IUD placed in my body. It seemed that the progressions of pms symptoms were becoming worse I was becoming frustrated with myself. “Screw this!” I said. I want birth control without hormones; I figured that if I have the Paragard for 10 years I’ll be set for either sterilization or perhaps alright with getting another IUD when the time came. People are more liable to listen to someone near 40 vs. 30 anyways.

The weeks before my appointment made dread grow within my gut. I was fighting worry and anxiety over the whole idea of having my body seemingly violated again. I tried to convince myself that this was a feeling I had because the sensation was so foreign to me and my body. Perhaps this time wouldn't be as shocking to my system as I would be more familiar with it.

The day of the appointment came; we arrived at the clinic and I surprisingly got in relatively quickly to see my doctor. 

The general basics of weight and temperature were done and I was given a sheet and was told to get ready. I sat on the table, feeling vulnerable and wishing that I had a caramel at that moment.

When the doctor and nurse came in to begin the removal, I heard the words “I can’t see the strings” and I knew I was in for a procedure that wasn’t going to be typical. They remove the IUD by pulling the strings that hang down outside your cervix. Without the strings there to pull they have to go into the cervix to try and find them. This, if not accomplished easily, may mean that the IUD migrated. 

I was becoming extremely stressed over the ordeal. “We are going to send you over for an ultrasound” and if that showed the IUD in the correct spot then they would try again. If it migrated that meant it would require surgery to remove the offending plastic T from my cervical area.

I’ve never had an ultrasound before, and for as much as it wasn’t terrible it was unpleasant at the same time. Having this tool being pushed into and around my uterus and ovaries certainly didn’t make me feel more comfortable. All was well, the IUD was in place; the strings had just migrated up. Now it was going to be whether or not the strings could be retrieved successfully.

I was directed to another room, more of an in-clinic operating room. I remembered being in a similar room the last time and feeling like I was in some sort of mad scientist’s lair. I got myself as comfortable as possible. I hate how they have a mirror right across the room that you can look into. I do not want to see myself with fear and worry draped across my brow. Nor do I want to see any hint of whatever is going on down there. I looked at myself, fixed my hair, and felt sympathy for the woman who seemed so shaken over this ordeal. Would there be surgery? Any more surprises? I just wanted to get in and out; my 11:30 a.m. appointment was coming well into the 1:30 p.m. time frame.

Yet another nurse came in with the doctor; I was numbed up and they started the procedure of finding the rogue strings. I was starting to breathe as tho I was in labor with my firstborn child. You breathe in and out deeply, trying to maintain a sense of calm and serenity around you. It doesn’t matter that it feels like you are being stretched from the inside out, as tho you will be torn apart in slow motion from the innermost point of your being. I found I could withstand the cramping sensations better, but a higher tolerance meant I allowed more discomfort for myself.

I pushed on the bridge of my nose and tried to take myself to a happy place. All I could do was beg silently in my head “please, please, please find it and get it out.” I’m not a religious person, but I did ask God to please help get this thing out of my body. 

The nurse asked how the pain was, and I was ashamed to admit that on a scale from 1-10 that I felt it was more of a 7. I was told they would give me more numbing medicine and I heard a size of needle. I was petrified. I had no idea if this needle would be poking me in my cervix or just squirting fluid within me. I hate needles and the thought of having more discomfort down there just made me want to cry. (People always give me crap for hating needles when I have tattoos and piercings. I will tell you that having a needle poke you for something you want is much different than something you do not want.)

After I was numbed up I felt a sense of release and hope that I would find it tolerable from here on out. I continued my internal chant “please find it, please find it” and after a few moments I heard my dr. say “tada” in his sweet soothing voice. 

I cried. I cannot lie and say that I didn’t cry because the sense of release from that stress was so overwhelming. From there the rest of the procedure of inserting the Paragard went smoothly. I was told the strings would be left longer as well. Apparently I was my doctor’s first case of having this happen (disappearing strings) and he was apologetic of the whole situation.

Things happen; what happened today was not a very positive situation but it wasn’t the end of the world either. I happened to have luck on my side and the concept of surgery removed from the scenario. I wasn’t as shocked with the sensations this time as I was over 4 years ago; granted my nervousness was higher due to what was at stake. Hopefully this time I’ll have a better experience, let alone 10 years or so of birth control that I do not have to worry about. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon resting for the most part. Feeling like I was a 10 year old again wearing a pad. Ugh. Spotting.

Which slowly starts to turn more period like, which is to be expected. I was on a hormone IUD that suppressed ovulation and such, now to a copper IUD that allows the natural cycle to take course. Not to mention all of the "activity" that went on within me. The numbing medicine wore off slowly and I would find myself having intense cramping. I described it as giving birth to small zombie babies; not sure why I said that, but it felt like it was the right thing to do.

I didn't feel as violated inside my body this time, but I felt like I had encountered a massive amount of emotional stress.
When I went to bed last night, I had a wave of intense emotional feelings crash down on me like a tidal wave. I laid in bed weeping, sobbing, and almost hyperventilating. My legs were shaking and I just couldn't stop shivering and feeling cold and overwhelmed. If I coughed I felt a tiny pang, which made me not want to cough. I simply felt overrun and had to cry it out. The cats wanted to lay on me and I cried more; I didn't want them to touch me. I felt at that moment I was simply just too sensitive and tender to experience anything touching me. 

Eventually I got all of the tears out and went to sleep; then I woke up in the wee morning hours and found that my pad didn't completely do the job it was intended to do. "Man, I feel like I'm a kid again" and made a mental note I would have to buy more supplies. Being on the Mirena I didn't really have full-fledged periods, but I also hadn't had such an invasive experience either. Either way, a shopping list was mentally made in my head and a tampon used to provide me some emotional security. Sleep was had again. Well, after I took more Advil.

I'm not entirely sure what to expect with this IUD for when you read on the internet they are fantastic at providing you with enough horror stories to make you hide under a rock. However, I do almost feel a sense of feeling a bit more normal. Less fluxing even tho it will take awhile for my body to adapt to the new IUD.

The things I do. These are the choices I made.

Why am I writing about this?

I can imagine some of the comments now "Good lord woman, you aren't even 30 and you do not want children?"
"Why are you talking about birth control?"
"Why are you sharing your stories? What good will they do?"
"EW!"
and I'm sure many more comments could be made up surrounding this blog and the topics.

Frankly, I know for a fact I cannot be the only female out there who does not want to physically birth children. I cannot be the only person who doesn't have that driving force to experience life in my womb.
I cannot be the only person selfish enough to want enough money to live comfortable for my needs and buy a house. I cannot be the only person who feels they can give love in a maternal way without having physically born a child.

There are so many other reasons, but my top (so called) selfish reasons are:
I do not want my body to change. I've suffered from an eating disorder and the thought of my body changing rapidly strikes fear in me. I fear that I would turn against the innocent child and put forth all my fears and anxieties on it. A desire to carry would have to outweigh my feelings of fear over my body and not looking the same.

Money. I came from a hardworking farming family who had never enough money most of the time. I grew up very much with hearing money woes and hearing about how dad had to sell cows to pay this bill or that loan. You grow up feeling very much like you are on the precipice of never knowing what will befall you.
There was a time when my ex-husband was out of work due to a broken wrist; I was the only one bringing home a paycheck worth anything. I used a gift card to buy groceries and cat food vs. the stainless steel pots and pans I had coveted. Priorities lay with those I loved vs. my own needs. We squeezed by and he got back to work.

My goal more than anything else has always been to own a home. I have wanted stability for years and a nice home in which I could share with a loved one. I just wanted to find a place to settle, live, work, and stop moving. A place that could provide comfortable consistency and have me feel at peace for once.
I cannot own a home and have a child at the same time; children are a huge investment and one knows this before having them. You have to either be willing to accept the investment that your child is or not. (This is all my opinion) and children are becoming more expensive. College educations are becoming more expensive. So often it seems parents (especially in movies, t.v. shows, and commercials) provide their child with all of the means to get from point a. to point b. and provide education as well.

You can easily look at me and say I'm a selfish woman with no priorities and I'm going against the very nature of my body. I am.
You can look at me and bastardize me for choosing to not have children when so many other women can't.

My friends who have children, I essentially adopt those kids as nieces and nephews. I spread love and joy with some of the simplicity that my uncle did for me when I was a child: share books.
I don't mind being around children, I am not a child hater, I just do not want the responsibility of being a full-time parent.

If everything goes as I want it to in life and I find myself living without fear that my home will crumble around me; I'd perhaps foster. I have adopted cats and see that fostering and adoption are two very important and wonderful ways to make a difference for a child. I'd much rather help one that is needing love and kindness vs. create one. Why must I, as a woman, be pressured to create life?

My body was able to create life at an early age, that knowledge of puberty and what getting a period meant scared the shit out of me. I was ostracized as a kid for having her period.
I respect what my body can do but that doesn't mean I feel it needs to do what evolution says it needs to do. My life is not dependent on how many children I make.

My journey with birth control has been somewhat of a long one that started with the basic pill. I found that my body just did not like taking pills very well.
My ex husband and I for awhile just used condoms, but what fun is that?
Eventually I decided to try an IUD called Mirena and now I have switched to Paragard.

So there you have it. A short summary of myself and my reasons for not wanting children.
I'm hoping to find other persons out there who are intending on being childfree as well.